![i close my eyes and i slip away i close my eyes and i slip away](https://www.lyrics.cat/v/4/48bad94eccd10c97be77439ff8ba2084.jpg)
I felt after that confrontation with the Canadian, I had to focus on her more in case she thought I wasn’t listening. Why do we have to be made to listen ALL the time? In a lecture, the lecturer looks at you and you always have to be looking at him/her or your communication support worker/lipspeaker/interpreter, otherwise you’re seen as not listening, yet hearing people can fall asleep in lectures (at which point they’re definitely not listening!). Why do I do it? Maybe I’ve adopted that trait because I am very similar in many ways to a hearing person in my mannerisms and responses – perhaps stemming from confrontations/arguments within my hearing family, I feel.īut sometimes it’s more simple – I just don’t want to listen. Then I said, “Well actually, come to think of it, I really didn’t want to continue that conversation so I felt that was my way of withdrawing from the conversation in the same way that a hearing person might “switch off.” She was a bit more receptive to that. I was astounded! Firstly, I didn’t realise I was interrupting her. “So, why do you close your eyes when you speak, when you interrupt me?” I felt it was getting morbid and I didn’t really want to talk about it, or listen to her talking about it anymore….then the conversation changed abruptly, and she said in a perfectly non-confrontational tone: “Can I ask you something? How much can you hear?” I then explained my profound hearing loss and that I need to lipread to understand every word she said to which she replied:
![i close my eyes and i slip away i close my eyes and i slip away](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6031d71b847e1312f534028b/1618603077998-DJUDHF8R42EQR8H5EHJW/Sizing+Chart+for+Individual+post+on+Bandana.png)
![i close my eyes and i slip away i close my eyes and i slip away](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e9/f1/99/e9f1998761470f2f74fe1f691d73775b.jpg)
This Canadian girl was of the opposite view: “Why not, what are the statistics, just as likely to get run over by a bus tomorrow?” (not referring to my deafness of course!). Now that I am older I am more fearful of doing either activity, probably because in the last 10 years I have seen and read enough about the things that go wrong. I was saying that I wanted to do both about 10 years ago when I was travelling but I didn’t (money, time, doing other things). I was chatting away to one of them, a loud Canadian, when the conversation turned to bungee jumping and skydiving. I had started a new job, and was just getting to know the people I work with, who are all hearing. In the summer, I was out at a BBQ for work. I am aware I may very well get a backlash from some people – but I’m hoping I’ll get some support too. I should sleep.I’d like to throw this topic of conversation out there.
![i close my eyes and i slip away i close my eyes and i slip away](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/~sYAAOSwrtRdx6a0/s-l1600.jpg)
Why am I doing work at home? Work is for school. My phone drops from my hand to my bed, dropping as heavy as my eyelids every blink. Why aren’t I asleep? That thing I was working on. Her grip on me is broken as my phone buzzes. Her welcome embrace keeps my eyes closed for just a while longer. I have things to do, things to succeed at. It becomes a chant in my head as I prepare to wrench my eyes open again. What if I just linger in this blink for one more second? Two more seconds? Five more seconds? Every blink is a workout, a test of will and motivation. They burn with exhaustion as they refocus on the paper in front of me. My face breaks the surface, and the cool air flys down my lungs. I am wading through the churning water, perfectly aware of what is happening but not processing it. I feel distant, yet I can sense my surroundings. Everything changes again, and a peaceful roaring drowns the ring. They chime and echo, bouncing off the cavern I picture the inside of my head to be. But only for a moment as ringing fills my ears. And instead of being above the floor, I’m above a pool. It’s like trying to walk on a raised beam after spinning in circles for five minutes. Is it possible for my mind to go into hibernation? I think it is. I was doing a job before my eyes fluttered shut. I am six years old running around on the playground, and I am 26 working at a future job. I am trapped in the lethargic, lightless dark and in the alabaster, shocking light. What was I working on? I had something I wanted to say, something I desperately needed to do. In the midst, a question twists and turns its way to me. Aimlessly spinning around in my own mind, paradoxically thinking of everything and nothing.